Dear Abby: My unemployed husband smells, drinks and has nothing to live for

Dear ABBY: My husband is miserable. Five years ago, he was laid off from his job of more than 25 years, and the minor problems he had with depression, alcohol and smoking have multiplied exponentially. He sleeps until 10 or 11 in the morning, showers only two or three times a week, rarely eats and has a drink in hand every day at 4 or 5 pm. He now suffers from COPD but has no plans to quit smoking . He would never consider therapy.

My husband has lost so much weight and muscle mass that he is barely recognizable. He seems to lack sex, but even if he did make an advance, his lack of physicality would make him miserable. Anyway, I don’t care anymore. He has never been a loving person, but now he has poor personal hygiene, his breath smells of booze and his hands smell of tobacco.

Beyond the quiet misery of the house, it is difficult for him to get out. He has difficulty with stairs, walking long distances and even ordering from a restaurant. I feel he is trying to hasten his death. I honestly feel like I can’t do anything that I haven’t already done. I’m fine, but numb. Do you have any advice for me? – HOPELESS IN KANSAS

HOPELESSLY DEAR: Your husband seems to feel that he has nothing to live for. You mentioned that he seems to miss sex but now it’s in such bad shape that you don’t care anymore. Have you told him that the reason you are no longer interested is that he is no longer the person you fell in love with and a giant step in the right direction would be for him to see his doctor about his depression? If the answer is no, consider offering him that “carrot.” If he is willing to try to get back on track, you may feel differently.

There are nicotine replacements for true addicts that help users inhale fewer harmful byproducts. People with COPD can do some exercise with the help of supplemental oxygen, a topic that should also be discussed with their doctor. That being said, the bottom line is that your husband should want to help himself. If he doesn’t, it may be time for you to find the nearest Al-Anon group (al-anon.org/info) and attend a few meetings, which will help you understand that his behavior his self-destruction is not your responsibility. and only he can help himself.

Dear ABBY: An old friend is now a widow and no longer has time to bond. I’ve invited him to coffee and dinner and sent him notes of support. She waits days, even weeks to respond and has other social things to do. I understand loss and grief, but this feels like “NO. Walk away, with a stiff arm. I think it’s time to go. Right? – UNEXPECTED IN INDIANA

DEAR UNEXPECTED: You may have crushed this woman in your attempt to comfort her. Depending on how long ago she lost her husband, it may be best for you to step back and let her regain her balance. The more you push her, the more she will distance herself.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.